It’s 11:27 am, GMT +8 MNL Time on a cloudy-with-a-chance-of-raining Wednesday.
I was browsing through my messages and deleting most of them until I came across the message thread between me and my grandmother.
Last message was Nov 2012. That was when she died.
I was mostly smiling at her messages, because this was the year where data was rising and I got my first ever smartphone. She would send me messages as I go to class and I would ask her what’s for dinner. Then I suddenly missed her cooking and everything about her.
Before, I would still wonder how different it would be if she was still around. Fast forward to now, I couldn’t bring myself to that idea anymore.
I am doing better than before. Ofcourse, there are still certain aspects where I need to improve on but comparing the person I was when she passed away and the person I am now, they’re totally different people.
The Joanna before drags herself out of bed in the morning and fights the urge to just shut down. My motivation was solely dependent on the idea that my grandmother did not die to ruin me and she will worry if I let my life go to hiatus.
For a time it kept me going but I have come to realise that motivation from oneself is a better reason to keep going.
Here and now is not perfect, but I am doing okay, well even.